i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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