She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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