Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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