i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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