someone threw a dead crab at me
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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