my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
