I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
