her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
