Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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