And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
