If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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