nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
