The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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