i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
