the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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