So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
