remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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