He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
