I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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