I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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