I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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