I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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