you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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