After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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