is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Floor bacon is actually really good
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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