I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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