and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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