when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
