He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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