I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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