so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
