She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
