You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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