I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
