I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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