I'm so fucking centered right now
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
God I need to hump something, right now.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
