It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
