she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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