He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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