I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
