i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I didn't notice because vodka
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
