Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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