the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
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