Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
