I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
