There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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