The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I think I sprained my soul last night
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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