I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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