I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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