Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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