i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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