If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
