all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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