no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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