I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
