Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
